Regeneration
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sequel to The Challenge - it is not vital to read the previous one but it might help to understand a few things! WK fic
1. A Chance On One Million And a Half

"**Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again"**

**Al Green, How Can You Mend a Broken Heart**

**Chapter one – A Chance On One Million And a Half**

She liked Manhattan for its diversity, the freedom of speech from which every single individual could build a unique identity - develop a singular style - and among this melting pot of personalities she felt safe, comfortable enough. For years she had known the oppressive life of suburban towns and suffered from the heavy gazes of the inhabitants whose smiles only played brighter on their lips to hide a cruel hypocrisy. Not that everything was perfect in New York – not that you didn't have to face lies at some point – but at least running away from them turned out to be easy because as much as you had become someone, there was still the possibility to go back to a complete anonymity when needed.

Considering that the borough of Manhattan counted an average of one million and a half inhabitants her chances to run into Will were almost nonexistent. After all two decades had gone without her getting to meet him. Perhaps their cabs had crossed each other at some point – she liked fantasizing about it – but at no moment their eyes had made contact until that morning at Grace's office. A rainy day of October when the vestiges of her broken umbrella had amused him. He had laughed and she had fallen for him, just like in the movies.

_Can a life really tip over within a second?_

Now she simply wanted to avoid him. Reality might have been bitter but nothing else was left and she had no choice but to accept it.

Sunglasses on and a cup of coffee in hand, she turned at the corner of Madison Avenue and was about to head up the street when she bumped into someone – her hot drink getting spilled on her shirt at the unexpected contact.

"Oh, fuck!"

"I am really sorry..."

She forgot about the coffee immediately – how her damp top molded her stomach – and froze instead, not daring to look up. Even a hundred-year gap wouldn't have deleted his voice from her mind. Perhaps with the time passing by his face would have faded away to become a blurry memory but not his voice, not his tone.

_A chance on one million and a half..._

September was slowly melting in the melancholic colors of the fall and almost two months had passed by since their last encounter at The Bowery Hotel where his words had stabbed her with strength, left her there in agony – a dreadful pain spreading over her body.

She had missed him. As she finally found the courage to look up into his eyes the realization struck her with an implacable strength, in spite of the way her heart still ached when she remembered everything.

"Karen? What are you doing in Harlem?"

Something strange happened from then on. She got lost in time and all of a sudden found herself sat at the table of some Hispanic cafe – Cuban music playing in the background. A few people were there but none of them were speaking in English and if it hadn't been for the street signs outside, she could have assumed that they had left New York for South America. Will and her – nobody else to add pressure or plunge them into the delicacy of their respective existences.

Sliding a cup of coffee towards her, he sat down on the other side of the table and took a sip of his own beverage. He looked tired – sad perhaps – but not angry anymore. She began to hope, in silence.

"Have you always wanted to have children?"

His question took her completely aback and she remained silent for a few seconds – disarmed. She had not imagined that he would enter such a personal discussion after a long laps of time of not seeing each other but he had as if they had never gone separate ways and with logic he was asking for an explanation over her infertility.

"I guess it is more about not realizing how much you want something until you know that it will never happen."

He was uncomfortable – casting successive glances at the tables nearby – and nervously played with a plastic spoon as if to get his hands busy, his mind off as well.

"I didn't mean what I said... The last time. As a matter of fact I am sure that one day you will be a very good mother."

"It won't happen. I won't have children. It is over."

"Is Stanley against adoption?"

At the mention of her husband, she couldn't help blushing – and looked down right away. Nothing had changed in their so-called marriage. Had she really believed that a second chance would bring along a different perspective? If so then she had failed miserably. They hadn't spent a night together, had barely shared a dozen of meals and all of a sudden she had found herself alone in the mansion just like before. Except this time the sensation it stirred up was dense, and tough. It didn't hurt but kill, quietly enough.

"Two children are enough for him. He doesn't see the point of adoption."

_Even if I do..._

His fingers brushed hers – sending a shiver down her spine. She swallowed hard while looking at the gesture in silence. She had missed his touch on her, the sound of his voice and the singular feeling that a face-to-face with him seemed to settle down deep inside her heart. She felt fine by then, at peace with herself.

He held her hand tightly and they remained still – quiet – as the Cuban radio kept on playing its tunes in the heart of Harlem.


	2. Once Upon a Time

"**Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me"**

**Ella Fitzgerald, Dream a Little Dream of Me**

**Chapter two – Once Upon a Time**

She had never trusted men. As long as she could remember, she had kept her distance with them until they had turned to be interesting enough – mostly on financial terms. Perhaps at some point her heart had beaten faster for one but the disillusion had followed and she had turned the page. If people didn't like being hurt, she was simply afraid of it and how pain spread over your body with a cruel audacity. For some reason, she was convinced that she would never be able to overcome it – and she would die alone, forgotten by everyone.

"_I don't need you to be happy but to pretend to be."_

She had heard it a lot of times but as they had stepped out of the elevator and walked the few steps that separated them from the penthouse, the words had hit her with a brand new strength. Slowing down her pace she had observed Stanley enter their friends' mansion – a smile on his lips hiding their argument – and she had felt like yelling at him. Nothing worked out between the two of them. From indifference to the coldness of frustration their second chance looked more and more like a mistake. If only she hadn't been so desperate when he had asked her to move back in with him.

She abandoned her empty glass of Champagne on a table and left the main room – going up the spiral staircase that she knew led to a small greenhouse for having attended there a few tea parties organized by the host's ex-wife. The view over Manhattan was breathtaking but as she approached the impressive French windows, Karen realized that it was raining – the drops giving an odd, fluid shade to the city.

"What happens to you that you are running away from the spotlights?"

Will's voice made her jump and swallowing back a gasp of surprise, she turned around to face him. She should have known that he would attend the party considering that the host was on his client list. As he made a few steps towards her – abandoning thus the armchair he had been sitting on – she couldn't help noticing how her heart had warmed up. All of a sudden she didn't mind anymore about Stanley and the way they had arrived there, didn't mind anymore about most of the facts that defined her life.

"What do you mean?"

"You love being seen, and looked at. That's why it is strange – unusual – to witness you escape from all of this."

She wished he had slid his hand on her waist then hold her tight as if to reassure her about the rest, and how he would always be there for her. Instead he had simply kept on holding an empty glass and remained at a reasonable distance. She hated this.

"Some days I would die for the darkness, be forgotten for a couple of hours and pass unnoticed to every single person's eyes. Some days I am just not in the mood for that."

"Are you alright?"

"No."

Since their unexpected encounter in Harlem two weeks earlier, they had shared a whole series of emails without ever meeting again – ever have a real face-to-face. Grace had left for Cambodia to spend some time with her husband and as much as the four of them seemed to slowly adopt back the routine of their odd friendship – trying to push away definitely the fiasco of the summer – a sensation of awkwardness was still there, latent enough upon their shoulders.

_Perhaps it will never be the same anymore._

"Nobody forces you to stay with Stan – after all you are still divorced and you only have to pack then leave."

"Who tells you that it has to do with him?"

She had sounded extremely harsh, and cold. It made her blush and apologizing in silence she shook her head at him – rose her hand up in the air to accompany her regrets. She hadn't meant to be so much on the defensive. It had come up by itself, as if by logic.

"And what are you doing here alone, by the way? Shouldn't you be downstairs trying to satisfy all your clients and eventually make new ones? The greenhouse is only for lonely housewives – not attorneys."

"I miss you."

He hadn't answered her rhetorical questions but she didn't mind at all. Instead his confession had taken her aback – burnt down somewhere deep in her heart – and leaving her confused, she didn't know what to do or say. She wasn't brave enough to find the courage and reply in echo to his words – would never be, not after the way August had ended. Dismissing it all with a laugh, she shook her head and walked to the spiral staircase – feeling the sudden urge to go back to the party, get lost among the crowd.

"Don't be silly, honey."

If they had been part of a movie, he would have stopped her – grabbed her wrist to eventually capture her lips in a deep, passionate kiss. But reality owned different shades and he let her go, not even calling her name. She found back Stanley in a corner of the main living-room – in full conversation – and just as he wanted to in the first place, she remained there by his side; pretending to be fine.

_Once upon a time I believed in fairy tales, how a handsome man would take me away from the house and we would live together happily ever after. But then my father died and everything got broken, from basic conceptions to my beloved dreams. Fairy tales were for children and I had stopped to be one of them. I had grown up within a few seconds, no mattered I was barely seven._


	3. Rain Over Little Italy

"**But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"**

**Billy Joel, Vienna**

**Chapter three – Rain Over Little Italy**

The wind slammed the door behind her – dancing through her hair for a few seconds – and umbrella in hand, she looked up at the room of the restaurant. A few customers were already having dinner, mostly couples she noted. The place seemed peaceful enough as a soft melody played in the background as if to accompany the murmured conversations around. It wasn't high standard but subtly anonymous and yet intimate. For a few seconds she wondered if he had brought there many dates before – if she had to be considered as one of them.

"May I help you, Miss?"

He hadn't arrived yet. In other circumstances, she wouldn't have appreciated it – finding an odd and yet powerful satisfaction to the fact of being late and thus remarked – but this time she simply sat at their table then waited for him. She had been nervous all day long and felt immensely guilty as soon as she had accepted his invitation. It wasn't right especially after the summer they had lived but there she was, unable to turn him down – unable to imagine wasting time with Stanley when she could be with Will.

They were getting closer, one more time. From daily emails to nightly text messages, the distance that kept them away from each other looked thinner and thinner as the days were passing by – made it all tensed at the mansion in The Upper East Side. Things would never work out with Stanley, even though they tried. Perhaps they had missed out their chance to get something from their marriage unless it was just meant to fail. Then there was Will...

"I am sorry I am late."

Her shy smile froze as he bent over to plant a kiss on her cheek – with an invisible gesture of intimacy as his lips brushed her ear. She badly missed him and faced the bitter sensation that they were wasting time over their yet too ephemeral lives.

"So... What are your plans for this weekend since Stanley is heading to Washington D.C.?"

She stared at Will for too long – taken aback – for him not to notice that she hadn't been told about that in the first place. For some reason she felt embarrassed, and ashamed.

Moving uncomfortably on her seat, she grabbed the menu and went through it. The words were dancing in front of her eyes, carried on by a cold anger that she didn't manage to handle. What if she burst into cries – there - in the middle of Little Italy on a Thursday night?

_Nobody would give a damn._

"You. You are my plans."

Her voice had sounded low but determined as she had put down the menu on the table and looked into his eyes. Her boldness was unexpected and it took Will aback – made him blush. For whoever had got to know her in private, she was a rather shy person and didn't come up with daring comments like this one. Perhaps she owed it to her anger – to Stan. But as she grabbed her glass of wine – took a sip – and thought about the reason why she had come up with that, she realized that she didn't mind.

"I am not sure it is a good idea, Karen."

This was the reason why she hated words. They hurt too much at times – their strength hitting you with an unexpected easiness and leaving you disarmed, empty. She swallowed hard, shook her head but the semblance of smile she gave went to die in the depths of artificiality.

_Sometimes one is just too sad to hide the slightest thing._

"And so what?"

It was odd how determination could vanish into despair within a few seconds – how a voice could lose it all in front of what seemed to be impossible. Feeling heat rush up her cheeks, she looked down at the table and stared intently at her fork before shrugging at him.

"Nobody said that it had to be right or perfect..."

Something happened in her heart – her mind – at this exact moment. The air turned suffocating and she found herself trying to catch up her breath, to calm down her heartbeats. It didn't work and as she felt a wave of tears embrace her eyes she simply stood up – grabbed her bag – and left in inaudible apologies.

The rain had swept away the last passers-by and as she stepped outside on the sidewalk she stayed still for a few seconds observing how the asphalt was glimmering under the water. It brought a peculiar, odd shade to the street – steam floating up in the air – and holding tight her coat, she finally began to walk in search of a cab.

She shouldn't have said anything and kept whatever was in her heart for herself instead. Thus she could have avoided the rain and her lonely wanders in the darkness of a rainy evening through the streets of Manhattan. A hot rain drop brushed her lips and she realized it actually was a tear. When had she begun to cry, exactly? She had no idea, about anything anymore.

"Damn... Karen, wait!"

She jumped while feeling his hand on her wrist and as she turned around, she came to face a breathless Will. He had probably run out of the restaurant – not caring that much about the rain and how he was now soaked wet, just as she was.

This time she didn't say the slightest word and remained there in the middle of the sidewalk waiting for him to make the first step. She was tired to ruin everything, from missed out opportunities to impulsive remarks. She couldn't afford it anymore – for being too old for that, too weak.

She didn't see the rest coming, how Will suddenly cupped her face with his hands and captured her lips in a long awaited kiss – pushing her against the wall of a building. Her fingers slid along his lower back and she held him tight as her tears came to caress their mouths, melt on their tongues.

They broke apart – breathless - but she didn't let him go and plunged her face in his neck instead as her sobs got stifled by the rain.

"Don't go away, please... Don't do that to me... I love you, Will..."

A cab passed down the street, eventually slowed down. They didn't see it and remained there under the rain – in each other's arms – for what looked like an eternity.


	4. What We Are

"**I'll take her laughter and her tears and make them all my souvenirs"**

**Elvis Costello, She**

**Chapter four – What We Are**

She woke up to the sound of the rain hitting the window and to the pale light of a timid sun that pierced through the room with a soft quietness. For long seconds she remained still – her eyes closed – and let the singular melody rock her while his breath caressed with regularity her nape. This is when it struck her – all of a sudden as she filled her lungs with the scent of the bed, his scent: she felt safe next to him, fine. The sentiment of well-being had spread to her whole body through a wave of warmth then brought along a certain lightness she hadn't experienced in a very long time if it had ever happened at all.

"What are you thinking about?"

His hoarse voice made her smile as the kiss he planted on her shoulder stirred up a wave of heat up her cheeks. She had missed those mornings when waking up by someone's side, when you spent an infinite amount of time lost in the other one's eyes and nothing had importance anymore. As a matter of fact, it hadn't occurred to her a lot but this was the kind of detail she preferred to keep for herself.

"Nothing..."

It wasn't true. A thousand wonders were bumping in her head without making the slightest sense and it left her a bit disarmed, blank. Perhaps it was time to let go and start living instead of always trying to follow plans – to elaborate schemes in order to control everything. If there was someone she could do that with, it had to be Will.

As he leaned up on his elbows and passed a leg between hers, she rolled on her back – stared at him in silence. Her fingertips brushed his cheek. He hadn't shaved – logically enough – but the thought it was the first time she saw him like that made her smile.

"Good morning."

A laugh escaped from her lips but he captured it in a kiss. They had come back from Little Italy soaked wet the night before – walking up Manhattan under the rain, hand in hand. They had changed and faced each other for long minutes sipping tea before she had finally bent over to kiss him.

"Good morning..."

It didn't make sense. As she let Will trace a path of kisses down her neck, she couldn't help focusing on their long friendship – how he preferred men and was nonetheless now naked on top of her in bed with the obvious desire to make love again. The thought intimidated her – made her blush. Perhaps life was not supposed to be logical in the end and you couldn't explain every single thing.

_Just let it go..._

They spent the whole day together at his place – in bed. The rain seemed to have turned into a singular acolyte but far from bringing along the melancholy of a gray weekend, it settled down the softness of sighs and smiles – ephemeral kisses engraved forever in their hearts.

Buttoning up one of Will's shirts, Karen stepped out of the bedroom and headed to the kitchen to brew some tea. The hardwood floor was warm under her bare feet – the sun that had finally pierced through the heavy clouds sliding now on the furniture with warmth. She had just grabbed two mugs when she felt his hands tighten her waist. He planted a kiss on her nape and made her turn around to face him – lifted up on the counter top. A strand of hair escaped from the loose bun she had improvised and came to crash in front of her glasses. She pushed it away a bit shyly.

She wasn't wearing makeup – hadn't brushed her hair since the day before – and hadn't grabbed her high heels to win a few inches. She looked bare in a word – true enough but different, vulnerable. She didn't like it at all.

"Perhaps I should go, now... Yes, perhaps I should go home."

"What for?"

His question took her aback and she couldn't help scoffing before shaking her head dubiously. His hand slid up her thigh as he positioned himself between her legs and as much as she tried to remain focused on the conversation, she knew that she was about to fail and abdicate.

"Because this is where I live, where all my belongings are."

"You hate this place."

"And where do you want me to go?"

"Here. Move in with me."

The lightness that had carried her so far vanished within a second and her smile froze – her hands tight on the counter top. The self-confidence he had used in his sentence was scaring enough because it went too fast perhaps – because she hadn't had time to weigh anything about their respective lives. They had barely spent a night together after a terrible summer and if there was something she had learned about relationships it was that rushing into things never paid off – on the contrary.

"I... Okay."

Her shaking voice brought along the words with a delicate fragility but they hit the air beautifully and she smiled at them – surprised at their sound, their lightness. Confused, she let Will kiss her with some deliberate eagerness and was still pounding the weight of her decision when Jack's voice resounded in the room – full of wariness.

"What is going on, here?"

They broke apart but didn't let go of each other as if in a protective attempt to some reaction from Jack. He was standing there in the door frame – a plastic bag in hand. Sat up on the counter top of the kitchen wearing nothing but a vaguely buttoned shirt and her bare legs tight against Will's waist, Karen felt suddenly naked.


	5. In Our Lives

"**Only love can break down the walls someday"**

**The Scorpions – Still Loving You**

**Chapter five – In Our Lives**

She lit a cigarette and as every time she took a drag thought it might be better to quit. After all she had seen her father die from it - had seen it ruin most of the years that had followed but nicotine had for too long inhabited her veins and now she was addicted. It was too late. She wouldn't get free of it but once she would have let escape her last breath. Besides, nothing calmed her down except for a pack of light Marlboro – pill effects having dangerously vanished lately. Perhaps she had reached some sort of limits and her body refused to follow.

"Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else? There are children, here."

A woman in her late thirties took her out of her wonders and if for a few seconds she looked for a way to make some comment, she finally nodded – stubbed out her cigarette. Until Grace arrived, she would have to find another distraction to ease down the beats of her heart and the latent panic that her friend's email had stirred up.

The situation had changed – evolved – for the past few weeks. After a conversation with Jack and some face-to-face with Will, she had moved out of The Upper East Side mansion – headed to Riverside Drive instead. Sometimes she thought that things were going too fast and she was losing control but the truth was that they were actually doing fine. Perhaps this was the most scaring fact in the end – the way they didn't argue and seemed to share a lot with a mysterious logic.

Jack didn't seem to mind that much – or at least did he remain quiet over his own opinion – and Grace being in Cambodia, they had called her to make things clear and avoid another conflict. She had barely reacted but as soon as she had landed back in New York, she had sent an email to Karen – asking for a meeting uptown.

Would this afternoon at the cafeteria of the Guggenheim sign Karen's demise or her friend was simply looking for a peaceful conversation in a neutral place? Taking a sip of her coffee, she checked time on her cell phone and realized that it wouldn't be long before she got an answer, the final one.

She was observing the six-year-old children having a snack at tables nearby – on the terrace under the pale but warm sun of October – when Grace's voice in her back made her jump.

"The traffic from Brooklyn was terrible, I am sorry."

As she looked up at her friend, Karen frowned – a timid smile playing on her lips. An orange juice in hands Grace seemed to be relaxed, and calm. She was sun-tanned as well, a delicate shade embracing her pale complexion.

"How was Cambodia?"

"Better than expected... You didn't tell Will that I am back, did you?"

Karen shook her head vehemently. Added to the mysterious request over the meeting Grace had wanted to keep her presence in Manhattan secret to Jack and Will – for a surprise effect, maybe. Karen had no idea about the reason why of this strange wish but she had nonetheless played along and remained quiet over her friend's return to the city. Grace took a sip of her drink then smiled.

"How is Will?"

"Fine... Though he speaks a lot about you. He misses you. Actually, we all do. Or did. I am glad to see you back here."

Grace nodded – politely smiled – and observed for a few seconds the children nearby. They were loud, full of life. Did it all really become grayer once innocence disappeared? Preferring to ignore her own wonder, Karen focused back on her friend instead.

"Are you mad at me, at Will?"

"I am pregnant."

Karen swallowed back a gasp and moved uncomfortably on her chair. She hadn't expected that and as odd as it might turn out to be, she didn't know what to say – remained desperately quiet. Grace didn't seem to mind though and even let escape a light laugh.

"I found out about it a few days ago, in Cambodia. And... I don't know, it just made things so clear... I am in love with Leo, and he is my husband – the father of this child I am carrying. He is the person I want to make my life with, not that I am drawing a line under you, Jack and Will but... This is different. And I love Will, I love him to death... But it wouldn't be fair for me to prevent him from having his life when this is exactly what I am doing on my side. We are soul mates but not lovers and if he has to be with a woman then I still prefer her to be you because I know that I can trust you, Karen. It is not about turning the page – because you will always be a part of my life – but I am about to write another one, with a different scheme. And so I wish you the best, to you and Will."

"Does Leo know..."

"Not yet. You are the first one. I wanted you to be, because it seemed fair enough."

She should have felt relieved, and immensely happy. After all Grace's reaction couldn't have been better and her relationship with Will had just got new, strong bases. If she had had to be honest, this was some kind of scenario she would have barely believed herself – barely allowed herself to fantasy about in her head. But there she was instead, feeling pointless – empty and bitterly jealous.

"And who knows, perhaps you are going to get pregnant soon and we will give birth more or less at the same time! Will would be so thrilled... You know how he wishes nothing but to be a dad..."

Before Grace's excitement, Karen didn't dare to say anything and simply nodded timidly – managed to give a forced smile to her friend.

_Except that it will never happen to me. I will never know what maternity is._

Quietly enough she took a sip of her coffee and swallowed hard before Grace's wide smile. She wasn't feeling simply jealous but lonely, terribly lonely all of a sudden. _  
><em>


	6. Lonely Wonders

"**Still in peaceful dreams I see the roads lead back to you"**

**Ray Charles, Georgia on my Mind**

**Chapter six – Lonely Wonders**

Commitment – she wasn't afraid of the notion but her ideal of it had vanished for a very long time and before the suddenness of the last months she was getting lost, little by little.

Her relationship with Will wasn't serious but went above that – reaching a dimension she had never experienced until then. It left her disarmed, immensely shy. People looked at them both as a couple but what took her aback was the way they seemed to make plans – as if it were evident, logical. And thrown in the middle of their soft expectations, she felt like she didn't belong to herself anymore but to them all.

"Would you like another cup of tea?"

Marilyn's voice made her jump. Cuddled on an armchair – a book in hand – Karen looked up at her host and nodded. They had arrived the day before for Thanksgiving but all of a sudden it had begun to snow and they hadn't been able to make it back to Manhattan. Grace should have joined them but the weather had kept her away as well.

Resigned and succumbing to a slight panic, Karen had turned very quiet and looked around in distress. She had been introduced as Will's date to the rest of the family and if she would have not minded staying a bit longer in Connecticut under other circumstances, the new game rules didn't find any resonance in her persona. For the first time she was looked at – whispered at – but she hated that.

"Where is my son?"

"Upstairs, on the phone with Grace..."

She had married three times but at no moment had she stayed at her family-in-law's house. The notion of family in itself had always remained very blurry in her mind and it was odd to be thrown suddenly into a scheme she barely knew about – with someone she rarely dared to assimilate to her significant one. As Marilyn sat up on an armchair opposite the small pedestal table, she closed the novel she had been reading until then and straightened up nonchalantly. She wasn't ready for a face-to-face – only had the desire to run away and feel free again.

"For some reason I had always imagined that Grace would have a child with Will. It seemed almost too logical, evident most of the times. But look now... She is pregnant with her husband's while you are in a relationship with my son. Perhaps this is how life works in the end. It is all unexpected, uncontrollable. What do you think?"

Accepting the tea in silence, Karen smiled politely and took a sip of it – as if to win some time over a conversation she dreaded. Since Grace had broken the news about her pregnancy, it seemed like their life had changed completely. And everyone talked about nothing but that: babies, babies, babies.

It hurt, she couldn't deny it. But the worst came from Will's euphoria. He was thrilled and deep inside, she knew that he wished the father to be him. They didn't talk about it – perhaps because their couple was too recent – but she was convinced that one day he would make her face a few things, starting with maternity. Then it would be time for arguments, misunderstandings and compromises that would leave them both bitter – dissatisfied until their relation exploded into a thousand pieces.

"I can only wish the best for Grace and Leo."

"But what about you and my son? What are your expectations? Now that he is involved into a relation with you, it changes a few things. Don't you think so? And if he had always seen his future as a family with blurriness, I am sure the perspectives are extremely different now."

Marilyn looked calm, incredibly self confident – at ease. She owned something that only a few women possessed – a singular eloquence that put her on a pedestal and you couldn't help but feel inferior when facing her; inferior and lost, pointless. Trying not to sound weak, Karen laughed lightly and shrugged.

"Listen... Will and I have barely been together for a month so it is a bit too soon to talk about children and... And all that jazz."

"Oh but I am not rushing you into anything, my dear. I just wanted to be sure that you knew whom you were dating."

It wasn't defiance – neither some sort of harm comment – but it only increased the weight that had been pressing on her chest for a while. She already knew about all these things – and how Will couldn't even imagine his life without children, and how he was probably thinking about nothing but that since they had started dating. But what would happen when he realized – once and for all – that she would never be able to offer him such a plan? Because as much as adoption was an eventuality, she knew that it was not the same and she would always be seen as the woman who would have not been able to properly give him a child.

"What are the two of you talking about?"

Swallowing back a gasp, Karen turned her head around and looked at Will as he made a few steps into the library. A smile on his lips, he seemed relaxed and happy. Oddly enough, breaking up the news of their relationship to his family hadn't bothered him the slightest bit – as if it had been pure logic and he couldn't but assume it entirely. Not that they had kissed in front of his relatives but he had nonetheless multiplied the gestures of tenderness in public – holding her hand numerous times, his lips brushing her temple with subtly.

"We were talking about Grace and her pregnancy."

To his mother's comment, Will smiled widely then nodded – sat down on the arm of Karen's armchair.

"I couldn't be happier and am really looking forward to seeing my nephew, or my niece! This is like the best thing that ever happened to us. At least a baby!"


	7. Soccer Moms

"**My lonely nights are through dear, since you said you were mine"**

**Tony Bennett, What a Difference a Day Makes**

**Chapter seven – Soccer Moms**

The parenting section of bookstores had remained a fascinating place for her through the years even if she had never dared to stop by it properly. From the distance – clutched to a shelf – she used to observe it with timidity, and curiosity. Sometimes a woman picked up a book there which cover was pink, blue or purple – always soft shades – then headed to the cashier with this unconscious pride mothers carried along. It made her wonder about the reason of her presence in this world, the essence of her role. What was she supposed to do if she were incapable of giving life? Pointless was the adjective that tended to come to her mind by then and oppressed by an invisible shame, she rushed out of the store.

Then Grace had got pregnant and in order to have the office to the disposition of a client had sent her to buy a parenting book at a store nearby. Though as much as for the first time she finally faced the guides, Karen didn't manage to feel this pride other women seemed to have – probably because she wasn't the one who was expecting a child – and instead embarrassment had invaded her mind.

"Karen, is that you?"

Holding tightly a pregnancy book instead of dropping it out back on the display shelf, she looked up at her interlocutor and blushed.

"Julia... It has been a long time!"

"You tell me. Since your divorce from Stan we haven't seen you that much at any charity event or some party. All we know is that you moved to The Upper West Side, where exactly?"

"Oh... Riverside Drive. I live with... With a friend of mine."

"Oh my God, are you pregnant?"

Suddenly noticing the book she was holding against her chest, she restrained a gasp and shook her head with vehemence at her acquaintance. At some point she had spent a lot of time with Julia but like with any other socialite, it hadn't lasted more than a season – just like a seat at the opera.

"No! It is for a friend of mine, I... I am not pregnant."

"You scared me for a while. Yet you are moving to the other side of Central Park and all of a sudden I thought that you were about to turn into one of these yuppy soccer moms who lead such a dull life up there in awfully decorated brownstones. By the way, since I haven't heard anything about you dating someone... Let me introduce you my cousin, Trevor."

For her novice years in the socialite sphere being far behind, she barely paid attention to the obvious gossip whispered on her back and everything would have gone smoothly enough – with the required tad of hypocrisy she used when talking to bare acquaintances – if she hadn't found herself back at the apartment a few hours later with Trevor's cell phone number and the promise to call him for a date.

Taken aback, she was observing blankly the phone number saved up on her cell when Will arrived – Chinese takeouts in hand along with his briefcase.

"Chinese again?"

"Yeah, I am sorry but it looks like I need to work on a few files tonight so I won't have time to prepare and actually enjoy a real dinner. We will go to the restaurant tomorrow to compensate, okay?"

She had heard this so many times in the past – from every single man she had shared her life with – that she knew the game rules by heart now: no complain whatsoever, remain silent to the point of vanishing in the background until he turned his head back at you announcing thus implicitly the end of a required curfew. She hated that for having the feeling to be nothing but some wife doll and if she had thought – naively perhaps – that it would be different with Will, there it happened for the third time this week.

She looked at him abandon the food and his briefcase on the table then head to their bedroom where he would undress before stepping in the shower. Two months in their relation and she already knew every single habit – every single word that came along everything.

_Russian Tea Room on Thursday, at 9pm_

_Karen_

The message got sent to Trevor within a few seconds but not waiting for a reply, she deleted it from her outbox – turned off her cell – and walked to the bedroom. She abandoned her stilettos on the floor – unzipped her skirt – and took off her top. Her heart was beating fast and already the weight of remorse was oppressing her mind. She passed the door of the bathroom and locking her eyes with Will who was standing under the shower – as planned – she unhooked her bra, got rid of her thong.

The first drops of water slid along her nape – brushed her spine – as she approached from him, planted a kiss on his shoulder. Soon enough she found his mouth and abandoned herself to his arms. Suddenly she thought about the night he had kissed her under the rain in Little Italy, how it looked just the same but way too far. He lifted her up – she squeezed his waist with her legs, a hand in his wet hair – and instinctively closed her eyes as they became one.

They had only kissed by then in the street, not made love as they were now – shivering under caresses, the increasing pace of their thrusts – but the main difference lie in her heart. Disillusions hadn't had any time to show up yet that night while the hot water of the shower was now simply trying to drown them under a thick steam, behind the loud murmurs of their sighs.

The rest of the evening vanished in silence. Will sitting at the table of the living-room to work, she went to the couch of the television area then ate her Chinese takeout – reading a book. And if from time to time she looked up at him, she only came to face his back.

The next morning as she would turn her cell phone on, she would get a message from Trevor to confirm their Thursday evening midtown. She wouldn't feel sorry but confused and while planting a light kiss on Will's lips would wonder why things never went as planned – never followed what she had in mind.


	8. Russian Tea Room and Disillusions

"**Just an old dream gone wrong, that began with the sweetest love song"**

**Peggy Lee, Just an Old Love of Mine**

**Chapter eight – Russian Tea Room and Disillusions**

Smiling politely to the waiter, she accepted the menu but put it down on the table immediately – looked around instead in a vain attempt to calm down her heartbeats. He was late. Invaded by remorse she had rushed out of the apartment an hour earlier only to realize that a taxi ride would get her midtown within a few minutes no mattered how dense the traffic could be. Hands in the pockets of her coat, she had thus wandered through Times Square – thinking about nothing but the way she had planted a kiss on Will's lips before leaving him for a date with someone else.

A friend from college – the lie was poor but had resulted effective enough even though Jack's gaze on her by then had seemed to weigh a lot, quietly enough. She couldn't blame him. They had spent the rest of the day together at Barney's and what kind of person decided to have a manicure just to see some old friend?

"I am really sorry, the traffic on Madison was a complete disaster."

She hadn't seen Trevor arrive and couldn't help jumping as he sat down at the table – a shy smile on his lips. He was elegant – wearing an Italian suit with finesse – while a silk scarf was meticulously resting on his shoulders, the gray fabric matching his pale blue eyes. Instinctively she looked down at his hand and didn't notice any shadow of an old wedding ring. He had never got married or had got divorced for quite a while yet obviously.

"It is okay. I lived myself in The Upper East Side long enough to understand what you are talking about!"

She laughed lightly but froze as it stirred up a deep, honest smile on his lips. It sounded terribly wrong and inappropriate to be there flirting with a stranger when she had just accepted to start it all over again with someone else. But still... There she was, timid and charmed.

"You moved to The Upper West Side, right? What an idea you had... It is all so popular and quiet over there! Sure the architecture owns some jewels in these streets but it doesn't have the elegant, boiling life of The East. Don't you think so?"

"This is what I tended to think but the truth is that I kind of get used to it."

He looked self-confident – as if talking to someone he was very close to and knew everything about. It was strange, and a bit disarming. They ordered their drinks and once the menus were gone, she found herself at his mercy – unable to hide herself from his eyes anymore. She swallowed hard, thought about Will who had decided to spend the evening with Grace and Jack.

"Then if you like it perhaps I should go and visit, which gives me one more reason to see you... But my heart definitely belongs to Madison and Fifth, I am afraid. Besides, my clinic is only a few blocks from my apartment which is a real advantage here. Let's face it."

"Your clinic?"

She had blushed at his obvious flirtatious comment but ignored it immediately as the second wave of information had hit her head, made connection and sense in her brain.

"I am an endocrinologist. You know... Working on hormones, pregnancies, artificial insemination... All these things. By the way, you don't have children, do you?"

She shook her head and did her best to not burst into cries. What was it that wherever she went, people began to talk about maternity? It made her feel so low then – so empty. Trying to drown the pain in her glass of Martini, she politely listened to Trevor who thankfully enough hadn't insisted on his work and was now alluding to a summer spent in The Hamptons.

He was nice, educated and polite. As a matter of fact, it was a real chance and opportunity to spend an evening with such a man but all of a sudden in the middle of a passionate conversation about art, Karen found herself missing her weekly Chinese takeout – the cozy atmosphere of the Riverside Drive flat but most of all Will. She wanted to see him, lose herself in his arms then spend the rest of her life kissing him.

Nonetheless enjoying the evening, she accepted a last drink at a lounge before letting him accompany her back to The Upper West Side. The lights of Manhattan were speeding past through the window of his Porsche and as some jazz played on the radio, she relaxed – little by little. It was close to midnight when they finally made it to Riverside Drive.

"Thank you very much for the evening, it was a very nice one."

Anticipating the well-known scheme of a date, she turned her head around and looked at him – closed her eyes instinctively as he leaned over and brushed her lips. But at the last second - unexpectedly - her hand on his shoulder stopped him and she shook her head vehemently.

"I can't do this, I... I am sorry."

"It is okay. I didn't want to rush you into anything, I just assumed that you..."

"I am in love with someone, someone else that is."

The apartment was plunged in the dark as she passed the door a few minutes later. Taking her stilettos off to remain quiet, she headed to the bedroom and abandoned her bag there on the floor before going to the bathroom. She had been sincere with Trevor, with herself in the first place and as she stared into the mirror at the reflection of her pale face – makeup free – she knew that she had just made the right choice.

The bed sheets were warm against her skin. She rolled on her side and looked at Will's back in the dark. He was sleeping peacefully. Slowly enough she went to cuddle against him but instead of closing her eyes, she planted a kiss on his shoulder – slid her leg between his as her hand came to rest on his lower stomach.

"How was your night out?"

She let him roll on his back and leaned up on her elbows, she stared into his eyes – caressed his cheek. His whisper had been soft, and sweet. As her lips captured his mouth, she felt him sigh under the kiss. His fingers caressed her thighs – traveling up her flesh – until she passed on top of him and took off her negligee. She could feel his arousing against her – his warm breath coming to die in the depths of her neck as she bent over to kiss him again. His hands were caressing her whole body now – sending waves of shivers down her spine.

Her mouth found his lower stomach and while tracing circles there with her tongue, she took his shirt off before discarding his boxers – subtly brushing his flesh with her fingers. But she let him pass on top of her, all of a sudden. Squeezing his waist with her legs, she held him tight against her – as if afraid he could vanish if she loosened her grip on him. She needed to be his, to feel him on her and mold his own body to perfection.

A hand in his hair and the other pressing on his lower back, she arched her back as he sped up the pace of his thrusts – began to trace a trail of kisses down her throat. The intensity leading to a warm boiling in her lower stomach, she captured back his mouth in a long, passionate kiss before abandoning herself to the paroxysm of her feelings – an "I love you" coming to die against his lips, breathlessly.


	9. Words And Time

"**I will travel the world until my death to cover your body with gold and brilliance"**

**Sting, Don't Leave Me**

**Chapter Nine – Words And Time**

The train had left New York for an hour and a half now – taking away the skyline, the effervescence of the urban life to replace it by a succession of fields and small farms. Her head leaned against Will's own one, she observed the landscape in silence and let the movements of the coach rock her peacefully. The scene sounded familiar – reminding her of a time when she had crossed the country from East to West and North to South - except she wasn't running away because of her mother's plans anymore and it all seemed easier, lighter all of a sudden.

"I have never been to Montauk before..."

Her confession abruptly put an end to Will's reading of The New York Times and as he stared at her in disbelief, she smiled almost apologetically then shook her head.

"Martha's Vineyard is the classic getaway for socialites. Don't look at me like that!"

She had awoken a few hours earlier to the warmth of his lips on her bare shoulders, a soft kiss planted there on her pale skin with delicacy. But as she had opened her eyes, she had come to face two travel bags – Will standing next to them. Wearing a pair of jeans and a woolen sweater, it was obvious that he had something else in mind than heading to his office midtown.

_I have taken a day off and booked yesterday – while you were out on your college friend night - a room at Montauk Yacht Club for the weekend. I haven't been a very attentive person lately because of work and this is my way to apologize. I need... I need you by my side._

At the mention of the evening before, she had felt bad and thought about Trevor – how she had lied to everyone for a dinner with him, some blurry plans she might have had at some point. Confession had brushed her lips but she had swallowed it back and got ready instead to catch the train.

Perhaps nothing needed to be said about her date with someone else – not because she would have lacked courage but simply because it had led her to realize that Will was the right one at the end.

"How do you imagine it to be?"

"Different."

It had to be different. Her relationship with Will wasn't allowed to match with her past or it was better to draw a line under it now because it would fail at some point – irremediably. And that she was unable to afford it. Trying to push away such dark thoughts, she closed her eyes - fell asleep.

...

It was raining but she didn't mind, on the contrary. The drops were brushing her cheeks in an icy caress and made her feel alive. Standing on the terrace of their suite, she couldn't help but smile – widely. The harbor was a few steps below – the metallic sound of the masts coming to her ears by waves while the seagull song gave a singular echo somewhere in her back.

If Montauk was a popular holiday destination, the off peak season offered a whole different perspective and all of a sudden the town seemed to reveal a quieter face – more authentic, full of unexpected charms.

"What are you doing there, Karen? It is raining."

"And so what? It is just rain!"

She nonetheless went back inside – more to be with Will than anything else – and planted a kiss on his lips. She felt fine, there. Far away from Manhattan it seemed like the problems of the last few weeks were slowly vanishing and she could start breathing again properly.

"How about a coffee at the lounge downstairs?"

"Oh come on, honey... We haven't got a three-hour train ride to sit in a hotel. Let's go out for a walk instead. I am sure we will find a cafe somewhere. You might know Montauk but I don't so I would like to see the place."

Wrapped up in a large woolen scarf and a Duffle coat – switching her stilettos for a pair of boots – she grabbed Will's hand and didn't let go of it for the next hour as they wandered through the streets. If she used to avoid silence that always made her feel uncomfortable, this time it turned out different and she didn't look for a way to fill time with words. It would have been pointless – offending somehow before the moment they were sharing.

"Did I hurt you last week?"

They had just made it to the beach when the words slid on his lips – landing bitterly on her heart. She frowned but didn't try to hide the way her body had tensed under the question.

"What do you mean?"

"When I began to crawl under work and spent all these evenings studying client files... Did I hurt you by then?"

She preferred to avoid his eyes and focused instead on her feet, the way her shoes were leaving prints on the wet sand behind. It was an odd, intimate conversation she didn't know how to deal with for not being used to be asked about her feelings. Was she supposed to be sincere or politically correct? After three marriages and more relationships she could actually remember, Karen came to face the unexpected fact that she might have not known that well about sentimental life.

"I am glad to be here with you now."

Had they just overcome their first, implicit argument as a couple? For a few seconds they stayed silent and kept on walking through the beach but as she felt him shiver, she stopped – turned around to face him.

"You are cold, aren't you?"

Will nodded, an apologetic smile on his lips.

"Like you have no idea. Let's find some place to have a drink."

Molding her body against his, Karen brushed his lips in an invisible kiss then locked her eyes with his brown ones – tightened her grip on his hand.

"No, let's go back to the suite instead..."


	10. In The Distance

"**When the sun sinks low all around that's when I know I need you now"**

**Lena Horne, Every Little Kiss**

**Chapter Ten – In The Distance**

The rain had quietly faded away during the night only to leave behind heavy gray clouds that weighed now on the sky menacingly. A pale sun seemed to pierce through the fleecy, monochrome layer but its timidity didn't result enough before the strong wind that blew an old lullaby through the bare trees. The cold weather – announcing the upcoming winter – had obviously driven into a corner the slightest soul of the little town and sat at the table of the restaurant, Karen observed the empty harbor in silence. She appreciated the serenity that seemed to emanate from the streets more and more. - a sensation of safety floating above and nothing mattered anymore.

"You aren't going to propose me, are you?"

Grabbing her mug of coffee, she hid her smirk behind it and stared at Will with an amused gaze. If the harbor out was empty, the restaurant of the Yacht Club was crowded – mostly families, elderly couples who were probably regulars and lived somewhere close in the area. The murmurs of the conversations melted into the clicking of silverware and the pouring of wine in fine glasses bringing life to the place with a delicate harmony.

"Excuse me?"

He was feeling uncomfortable and she couldn't help but smile at it – finding the whole situation rather entertaining. Casting a glance around, Karen shrugged and raised her eyebrows dubiously.

"We are on a nice getaway – far from the city – and this place couldn't be more romantic. It sounds like the perfect occasion to propose someone, doesn't it?"

"You want to marry me?"

This time her smile grew wider and exploded into a frank laughter. Taking another sip of coffee, Karen shook her head then cleared her voice. Heat seemed to have embraced her cheeks all of a sudden – she was probably blushing. Perhaps in other circumstances the answer she was about to give would have been different and this exact moment would have turned out to be one of the most important of her life but the scheme being what it was, she shook her head at Will – smiled.

"No, I don't. That's why I hope that you didn't have anything like that in mind – that you hadn't planned this weekend for such a special occasion. I married three times already... I don't want to rush into things anymore. Besides a wedding ring on your finger doesn't assure you the complete success of a relation."

Will's face lit up, embraced by a wave of relief. She didn't take it bad, on the contrary. It was reassuring to see that he actually shared her very own perspectives.

"To be honest, Jack suggested me to take you away for the weekend because I had neglected you which was right enough – let's face it. I am glad I have listened to his advice."

Her blood became icy and she froze – hoping nonetheless that her reaction would pass unnoticed. Jack had spent the afternoon previous to her secret date with her and as much as she hadn't made the least allusion to it, he might have sensed something. After all he had looked at her weirdly when she had left the apartment for The Russian Tea Room – studied her from head to toe but remained quiet.

She felt bad all of a sudden but didn't find the courage to say anything. Instead, she let Will do and take her hand as they walked out of the restaurant to wander through the streets of Montauk. A sentiment of guilt had wrapped up her heart but she kept on fighting against it – pushing it far away quietly.

An alley led them to the edge of a cliff from where a few wooden houses overlooked a beach. As they arrived there, the wind blew harder – making their scarves float in the air, tightly tied to their necks. A small path that probably only regulars took had been traced down to the sand where the waves crashed loudly.

"Come with me..."

She grabbed his hand and together they headed down to the small beach. Perhaps someone was staring at them from the French windows of a house up on the hill but she didn't care that much. A sentiment of lightness had suddenly invaded her heart – as if everything was possible again, from the early years of her life.

She settled down against a rock – vaguely sheltered from the wind – and invited him to sit down next to her on the sand. He did and soon enough she moved to behind him – passed her legs around him – then held him tight as she leaned her chin on his shoulder, planted a kiss on his cheek.

"The quiet – if not wise – comments, the long walks through the paths and beaches of Montauk and the delicate softness of every single gesture... Is this the real Karen?"

Smacking his chest, she nonetheless smiled at his comment but kept on staring at the ocean a few feet below. The water was gray as if to match the sky and gave thus an odd perspective to the scene – a bewitching one.

"You shut up!"

Before his silence, she shrugged and abandoned her light tone to adopt a more honest one – rather low.

"Who knows who she really is anyway."

"Would you see yourself living here?"

The fact he didn't insist about her mysterious comment took her aback but she let go of it and focused on his question instead. She had looked up at the on sale houses as they had walked through town – even cast a glance at the offers of a real estate agency, by curiosity.

"A few weeks a year, maybe..."

Just the required time to get the pressure off her shoulders once in a while – all the problems she would leave behind in Manhattan and for a few days everything would be alright. There wouldn't be any lie – any necessity to face people's expectations over her life or a friend's pregnancy.

It looked better in the distance – easier to assume and live.


	11. From Montauk With Love

"**Only you can make all this world seem right"**

**Elvis Presley, Only You**

**Chapter Eleven – From Montauk With Love**

If she had always looked with amusement at the easiness life seemed to own when it came to change – within a second – the environment you were wandering through, it was over now. A deep, strong hatred was slowly invading her mind – creeping in her heart – and before the stirred pain, she felt like bursting into cries.

"Good afternoon, Grace. The room is ready, please follow me."

If until then Karen had managed to make abstraction of the place she was in, as she followed Grace the impossibility to run away from it became oppressing. Her steps were heavy through the long corridor that led to the doctor's office – the pale colors of the walls on which had been hung up drawings trying desperately to hide the smell of disinfectant, the impersonal and cold truth that in spite of all, it was still a clinic.

Montauk seemed so far, too suddenly. The day before she was still in Will's arms – in the warmth of the bed at the Yacht Club Hotel – dreaming away silent hopes that had been crashed as soon as Manhattan had appeared and Grace had asked her to be by her side in the afternoon for the ultra-sound picture as Leo would be working and so unable to make it on time. She hadn't found the courage to say no, to lie and turn the page with a well-studied lightness.

She hated Grace's smile, the condescending tone that everyone used when they learned that she wasn't the one expecting a child – that she was simply there to accompany, some sort of supporting role that would disappear in the dark as soon as the lights would be turn on and directed towards the right one.

As expected, all the gazes turned towards the monitor screen as a blurry image appeared. The sound was the worst though – coming to hit against her heart to remember her how this was all real and she would never experience it on her own.

"Come closer, Karen, if you want to see something!"

Politely she abandoned her chair and went to stand by Grace's side, just like in a cheap movie. Staring blankly at the screen, she didn't say a word and remained still until the baby unexpectedly moved. She jumped of surprise but if an instinctive smile had embraced her lips, her fists were still clenched very tight.

"Congratulations, Grace... It is a girl."

…

From the edge of a wooden chair, she was observing the passers-by in silence – through the windows of the cafe. The offices were emptying at this time of the day only to give back some freedom to people who walked by the now crowded sidewalks. Something had happened at the clinic when the baby had moved on the screen. Her brain had shut down mysteriously and while emotions had left her body, she had remained there – passive, as if watching her own life passing by. As if she had just died but hadn't had the chance to disappear at the same time.

"So what do you think?"

For some reason Grace's question resounded loud in her brain and made her look up. Locking her eyes with her friend's, she swallowed hard and tried to make connections but nothing came up. She hadn't heard the rest of the conversation – not that she hadn't wanted to listen but the words had simply gone away without reaching her mind.

Before the heavy and explicit silence, Grace sighed and rolled her eyes – exasperated, and hurt perhaps.

"Damn Karen... If you don't want to be here with me right now you just have to say it. I asked you to come along because I thought that you would enjoy it and then we would go baby shopping but you have been impossible since we met up at the clinic. Come on, hide your joy to be with me."

"I am sorry."

Her comment made Grace scoff. Perhaps she had been too far and should have tried instead of focusing on Montauk and how things had seemed so light there – possible. She just lacked strength for it, and a dose of courage as well.

"Oh please... You don't even mean it. Since I told you that I was pregnant, you kind of stopped talking to me – stopped... I don't know. It is not the same anymore. Aren't you happy for me?"

"No, I am not. I hate changes."

She hadn't meant to say it out loud – just like this, without any warning. But as she did and heard the words hit the air, the pressure on her chest nonetheless vanished. It was odd how the truth could hurt and yet be necessary to overcome a few painful feelings. If she remained calm, Grace on the contrary froze – her features deepening under a cold, confused anger.

"Excuse me? You hate changes? That is a good one coming from someone who after four years of a mere friendship with a gay man gets involved into a relationship with him – making all the rest, every single person around break down into pieces without the slightest reference left."

The words had sounded loud and casting a glance around, Karen felt ashamed – blushed before the idea another client might have overheard Grace's comment.

"Honey, I am..."

"You shut up, fucking bitch! I don't mind about your little game when you go around in public but what kind of friend are you if you aren't happy about my pregnancy? You are just horrible and... Well, perhaps I should have guessed that it would be like that. After all if you were really my friend, you would have never slept with Will in the first place, no matters it was a challenge..."

She didn't have time to reply – didn't find the courage to do so either. Instead, she looked at Grace grab her bag then leave the cafe angrily.


	12. All These Regrets

"**Show a little tenderness no matter if you cry"**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

**Chapter Twelve – All These Regrets**

She hadn't deleted his phone number – not that she hadn't wanted to but she had simply forgotten about it and lost herself in other concerns that had seemed a lot more important at the end. Unless it had to be a sign and as she dialed the number on her cell phone, Karen couldn't help but think about it – how this was a possibility that might come to change everything.

The streets were crowded and loud but succumbing to a complete lack of logic she began to pace up to the nearest avenue in order to hail a cab – covering her ear with her hand to hear him talk. He hadn't left yet and just like the evening she had let him down, he sounded calm – attentive.

Of course she could come to The Upper East Side. No he wouldn't leave before she arrived and would wait instead – wait for her at his office in the meantime.

She reached Fifth Avenue – looked around – before coming to the realization that not a single taxi was available. It was a very cold day in Manhattan – an icy rain embracing a deadly wind in a torturing mix that left you freezing on the sidewalk – and if the luckiest passers-by had managed to find a cab it was a different story for the rest of the crowd. Reluctantly and restraining a sigh of exasperation, she headed to the nearest subway station, went down the stairs and hopped on the first train.

She had always hated the subway – the proximity with strangers – and the approximate cleanness of the coaches. Besides it tended to remind her of a time she would have preferred to forget. Long years before she got introduced to New York society and managed to make a name into the select sphere. She might have got a divorce from Stanley and fueled now desires of a brand new life, she didn't want either to go back to her early years as the bartender of some gloomy bar lost in Lower Manhattan.

As she rushed into the elegant building on Madison twenty-five minutes later, the sound of her stilettos on the marble floor of the lobby stopped her. The reception desk had closed for quite a while yet if she paid attention to the sign put down on the counter and alone – clutched to her bag – she headed to the first floor with a barely hidden nervousness.

"I need to run some tests."

She didn't even thank him for meeting her so late, at the last-minute – didn't even take her coat off nor sat on the chair opposite his desk as he invited her to do so. She was thirsty and her mouth was dry but she didn't care. All she had in mind was a battery of exams that she should have got earlier and so she would have avoided all this mess – the weight of sadness upon her heart.

…

As she passed the door of the Riverside Drive apartment three hours later, Will rushed to her – a spoon in hand – and stared at her with a mix of relief and anger.

"Where the hell were you? Grace called me, told me about your... Altercation with her this afternoon... And then I tried to call you as well but you were unreachable. Jack is out with Rosario, looking for you too!"

"Please sit down, Will. We need to talk, we really do."

She abandoned her coat on the arm of the couch and glad enough before Will's lack of comment about it, took a few papers out of her bag. She had never liked mathematics but knew the numbers printed on the sheets of paper by heart – the percentages, her own average compared to a normal one. They would haunt her until the rest of her life but somehow it was time for her to accept that they were a part of the person she was.

"What are these?"

Keeping the papers folded on her lap, Karen turned around and locked her eyes with Will's brown ones. She would need courage – a lot more than she had ever had until now – but she couldn't go backwards anymore. Too many people had suffered from it, starting with herself. She had to go through it.

"First of all, I am really sorry about what I said to Grace and I will apologize to her tomorrow."

"It is okay, she cooled it off or so after we talked... But you probably owe her an explanation, indeed – and a serious one."

Barely paying attention to Will's words, she unfolded the papers and frowned at them. She hated every single detail printed on the white pages even though they supposedly defined her very own self.

"I was with a friend of mine, Trevor... His name is Trevor. He is an endocrinologist and owns his clinic in the Upper East Side. The reason why you couldn't reach me is because... Because I was running tests there – very important ones. For you, for me... Here they are."

She let him study them even though the series of numbers probably didn't make any sense to him. Until he reached the very last line where a single word summarized it all. It was harsh but effective.

"95%..."

"Sterile."

It probably made sense in his head at this exact moment – the reason why she had been harsh to Grace and her constant reluctance to show the slightest feeling before maternity allusions. Perhaps it had been insignificant for him – after all she had already confessed him about it – but in her heart it had a lot of importance and as she said the word out loud, she felt it burn her lips.

"Oh Karen... It is okay..."

"No, it is not."

In spite of everything, she had felt incredibly strong since she had headed out of Trevor's clinic – as if she had finally managed to accept the facts and were able to face them properly. But sitting down on the couch and as her smile vanished away in a whirl of silent tears, she realized that no, she was still not ready for it at all.


	13. Voice On Top of a Building

"**For you I sigh, for you dear only"**

**Tony Bennett, Body and Soul**

**Chapter Thirteen – Voices On Top of a Building**

She took a sip of coffee and closed her eyes as the hot beverage warmed up her whole body. The wind had been joined by the snow for an hour now – twirling around icily in the streets of Manhattan. She could have headed back to The Riverside Drive apartment immediately after her lunch with Grace but all of a sudden she had looked around her and succumbed to the effervescence of Christmas Eve. Not having a last-minute present to buy, she had simply decided to wander midtown and get lost among the crowd – feeding herself with children's laughter, people's joyful voices that made echo to the rustle of the shopping bags they were holding lightly.

Later when asked about it, she would say that she had woken up in the morning without even a thought for it – not even some timid intention. It hadn't been part of her plans and wasn't supposed to become one any time soon. It had just happened as she had taken 47th Street. All of a sudden, without the mere warning, a whole scheme had settled in her head and she had known that it was the right thing to do.

She had never taken this kind of initiative until then – attached as she was to a traditional process – but she didn't mind anymore because a silent voice kept on telling her it had to happen.

_I think I am about to do something crazy._

_Karen_

Taken aback by her own message, she jumped of surprise and let an inaudible scream escape from her lips as someone bumped into her by accident. She blushed in spite of the cold then stared blankly at the man apologize before him running away – far towards Fifth Avenue.

_What are you talking about?_

_Grace_

Another sip of coffee – still hot sliding down her throat but this time her eyes were fixed on the screen of her cell phone.

_About to do something I had promised myself I would never do again._

_Karen_

A band began to play a few steps away and soon enough she disappeared in a whirl of jazz as passers-by stopped little by little to form a circle around the musicians. She didn't approach but studied from a distance the improvised event with a timid curiosity. She had been living in Manhattan for so long that street shows had simply passed unnoticed to her eyes at some point. It was part of the scene just like an overcrowded Times Square or a romantic glass of Champagne at The Rainbow Room in the evening. But suddenly it all changed – there, on 47th Street while an unexpected scenario had settled in her head and set off thus a whole machine. As if she lived again.

_You are worrying me. Is it something bad? Don't mess anything!_

__Grace__

The text message made her smile. A week had passed by since she had talked to Grace and apologized for the harsh comment she had made about the pregnancy. She had mentioned the fact she was sterile but against her expectations, it hadn't burnt on her heart as she had said it. Words had come out slowly only to vanish in the air with an ounce of relief. She would need time to accept things as they were but people's support – people she cared the most about – brought a natural warmth, the courage she had lacked until now.

_It won't mess anything but settle all the rest, my life and Will's._

__Karen__

His name was still resounding in her head when she saw him turn at the corner – on time. If her heart had beat to a normal pace until then, it suddenly sped up uncontrollably. She hated when it happened for reminding her that she could get sentimental and eventually hurt.

Grace tried to call her – the cell phone vibrating in her hand – but as Will finally made it to her, she put back the device in her bag and planted a kiss on his lips. She would have the rest of her life to tell her friend about it.

"You don't want to take your call?"

Shaking her head, Karen took his hand and led him through the crowd of passers-by who had stopped to listen to the band. They left the diamond district behind – headed up towards Radio City. She didn't talk to him until they arrived to The Rockfeller Center – waited in line – and took the elevator that led to the terrace on top of the building. Lost among tourists she made her way to the edge and stared at Will who had followed her amused – playfully enough.

"What are we doing up here?"

The wind was strong and the snow was still falling - recovering the skyline of a white fog. Taking a deep breath, she promised to herself that she would never forget it.

"You and me... I don't really understand why it happened because nothing was more complicated and impossible at the beginning but the truth is... The truth is that now, I can't live without you. I can't even imagine what my life would be if I weren't with you. It doesn't make sense and perhaps it will never do but this is nonetheless meant to be."

"What..."

She covered his mouth with her hand then shook her head. People's voices were wrapping them up – embracing them in a series of different languages. It was odd – unique.

"No, please. Let me finish this. I know what I have said and I really meant it by then – damn I even did this morning! And yet it is now so clear... Will, would you like to marry me?"


	14. Regeneration and Challenges

"**Getting to feel free and easy when I am with you"**

**Oscar Hammerstein, Getting To Know You**

**Chapter Fourteen – Regeneration and Challenges**

On a morning of April, Grace gave birth to her daughter Lily. The sky was blue and a light breeze had taken away the cold winter to head towards a timid spring. If everyone had been on a permanent alert for the few previous days, it nonetheless turned out to be surprising – probably because this time their routine was definitively broken and a page of their life had just been turned.

Visitors being allowed only in the afternoon, Karen spent the few hours that separated her from Grace sat down on the couch of the living-room – staring blankly at the wall in front of her. Will and Jack had left to go and buy some flowers as she had declined their offer to come along. She needed to be alone – to think about whatever Lily's birth meant to her. Unfortunately scanning her heart resulted bare and as she pursed her lips in wonder, realized it had only led her to an immense frustration.

She wasn't euphoric and actually dreaded her meeting with the new-born more than anything else but it was all she could come up to in spite of her efforts to concentrate on whatever emotions Lily's birth had stirred up.

Lost in her doubts and interrogations, she let the hours pass by until the exact moment when she found herself in front of the door of the hospital bedroom. Will's hand was warm against hers – reassuring but it didn't prevent her heart from speeding up as they knocked then entered. Grace was lying there in bed drinking a glass of water – an arm up, behind her head. She looked tired but calm and serene – happy. The basic questions went too quickly as well as the introduction to Lily who was sleeping in her crib – peacefully.

In the background and observing the scene in silence, Karen felt lost. Her friends were ecstatic – their attention fully turned on the baby they all wanted to hold tightly. For her part, she simply wanted to go away – or desperately look like them. Things would be so easier then.

"Karen... Would you like to take her in your arms?"

She wasn't a novice, after all her own sister had given birth three times but it never felt right when she held one of her nephews – as if she didn't find herself at the right place, with the right person. But not to disappoint Grace, she accepted quietly and took Lily against her carefully. She was short and didn't weigh that much in her arms – even looked immensely fragile. Seeking for more comfort, she sat down on an armchair and studied the new-born's features. Did it last that long? She wouldn't be able to say but as she looked up again, Will and Jack had left to get a coffee at the cafeteria and she was now alone with Grace and the baby she immediately put back down in the crib.

"She needs a cousin – boy or girl, she doesn't mind."

Grace's comment hit the air with self-confidence and came to embrace Karen's cheeks with heat as she blushed and raised her eyebrows – a bit perplexed.

"One day, maybe..."

"Stop postponing your life like this, Karen. Or one day you will wake up only to realize that you will have missed out every single one of your opportunities. I know that you can't have children but there are different possibilities, starting with adoption. Why don't you have a look at it?"

"I don't know..."

"Just like your marriage to Will... You have been sort of engaged for months now and yet you haven't made the slightest plan – haven't taken the slightest decision about it. You don't even have a ring!"

Instinctively she looked down at her left hand and observed her bare finger in silence. It had been four months now since she had proposed him on top of the Rockfeller Center and four months he had said yes. But once the exhilaration of the first seconds passed, they had simply had a drink midtown before going back home to celebrate Christmas Eve. Without talking about their engagement anymore since then.

"You say that you want to turn a page, to start a brand new life then do – jump into it eyes closed, with Will. It is all about regeneration and challenges. It has always been."

Regeneration and challenges – the words hit her mind with strength and logic. She was about to reply when the door got opened. Will and Jack came in – put an implicit end to the conversation. They stayed at the hospital until the end of the regular visits then decided to go and celebrate it at some restaurant nearby. They didn't head back to Riverside Drive until late in the evening – overwhelmed and rocked by the baby's birth.

Mug of tea in hand, Karen headed out on the terrace where Will had been standing alone for a while – probably observing the stars as he loved doing when a thousand wonders hit his brain without finding the slightest answer to any of them. It was cold now and she couldn't help shivering – took a sip of the hot beverage to warm up her body.

"I want to get married, Will... I want to have a child – a family with you. I want all of this. I need it."

Perhaps she should have thought about the best way to bring up the conversation without sounding too intrusive – taking him aback on an overwhelming day.

Taking another sip of her tea, Karen came to the conclusion that she had studied situations and chosen words for too long – that as a matter of fact, she hadn't done anything else until now in her life. Grace was right. It was time to live again and accept challenges – as long as they were with Will.

"Let's have all of this, honey..."

She didn't kiss him to accompany her last comment but hid herself behind the tea mug and smiled as he pressed her hand tightly.

_Regeneration and challenges..._


End file.
